What do I want to do with my life?
Today, I set off into town to do some shopping with my mother but had to turn back I was feeling unwell. Is this going to be the story of my life?
I want to travel.
I want to get a 1st degree at university.
I want to make a difference.
I want to bake and for people to enjoy my food.
I want to accomplish my dream of writing a book (even if it never gets published).
I want my voice to be heard (even if only by a few).
Most of all, I want to matter.
I want people to know me, like me, love me even. And not because they feel they have to, but because they want to.
At first my illness was a fact. It happens; people get better and move on. So why am I still suffering? I feel fine, and then suddenly one day, I can’t go out. I suppose one day every so often isn’t too bad, but when you’re constantly nervous you’re going to be unwell when you’re out you can’t think of anything else. You’re on alert – all the time – aware of this illness that plagues your body, your life.
Being ill throws your life into sharp focus, all of a sudden I want to go out and do things, you know? Obviously I did things before, but then it didn’t require much thought, I just got up and went. Now, I worry, I despair. I’ve been holding up pretty well until now, I suppose it shows I’m getting better that I’m able to get bored and annoyed, but it’s hitting me now.
Luckily, I’m aware of this despair, so I can do something about it, right? I won’t let myself spiral.
I want to own my own café, live a simple life and perhaps write. I’ve wondered about leaving uni, risking it all by renting a little place. Kind of adventurous really? 😀 But I enjoy my course too much; it makes me question society and people’s actions. So I’ll stick with it for the next two years and fingers crossed I have some money left.
Am I selfish by completing my course even though I might not use it? I don’t think so, lots people drop out and I’m not about to do that. In fact, there are so many students who just float on by without caring what they’re studying or where they’re going.
Anyway, enough depression and procrastination. One day I may achieve one of these things, hopefully more but for now I’ll concentrate on not giving up or crying over something that can’t be changed.
(I don’t know how long this post will stay up but I’ll let it remain in the blogosphere for now)