Struggling Along – My Life

What do I want to do with my life?

Today, I set off into town to do some shopping with my mother but had to turn back I was feeling unwell. Is this going to be the story of my life?

I want to travel.

I want to get a 1st degree at university.

I want to make a difference.

I want to bake and for people to enjoy my food.

I want to accomplish my dream of writing a book (even if it never gets published).

I want my voice to be heard (even if only by a few).

Most of all, I want to matter.

I want people to know me, like me, love me even. And not because they feel they have to, but because they want to.

At first my illness was a fact. It happens; people get better and move on. So why am I still suffering? I feel fine, and then suddenly one day, I can’t go out. I suppose one day every so often isn’t too bad, but when you’re constantly nervous you’re going to be unwell when you’re out you can’t think of anything else. You’re on alert – all the time – aware of this illness that plagues your body, your life.

Being ill throws your life into sharp focus, all of a sudden I want to go out and do things, you know? Obviously I did things before, but then it didn’t require much thought, I just got up and went. Now, I worry, I despair. I’ve been holding up pretty well until now, I suppose it shows I’m getting better that I’m able to get bored and annoyed, but it’s hitting me now.

Luckily, I’m aware of this despair, so I can do something about it, right? I won’t let myself spiral.

I want to own my own café, live a simple life and perhaps write. I’ve wondered about leaving uni, risking it all by renting a little place. Kind of adventurous really? 😀 But I enjoy my course too much; it makes me question society and people’s actions. So I’ll stick with it for the next two years and fingers crossed I have some money left.

Am I selfish by completing my course even though I might not use it? I don’t think so, lots people drop out and I’m not about to do that. In fact, there are so many students who just float on by without caring what they’re studying or where they’re going.

Anyway, enough depression and procrastination. One day I may achieve one of these things, hopefully more but for now I’ll concentrate on not giving up or crying over something that can’t be changed.

(I don’t know how long this post will stay up but I’ll let it remain in the blogosphere for now)

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14 thoughts on “Struggling Along – My Life

  1. Today is a good day – Am breathing, breakfast stayed down, ambulating on my own, not feeling much pain. I think I’ll bake a couple loaves of bread. A single, simple accomplishment… today is a good day.
    M

  2. Try and take life as it comes to you. Easier said than done, I know. If you think about it, though, can you remember what you were worried about last week? If so, can you remember what you were worried about a year ago? If so, can you remember what you were worried about 5 years, 7, 10 years ago? At some point you just can’t remember, and now will eventually become one of those times.

  3. Don’t overthink things. That’s what a lot of people tend to do. Take life as it comes. And don’t let your illness be master of your thoughts. If you go into town with your head full of fear, this fear influences your mind as well as your body too much. I can understand that you’re cautious about your illness but don’t let the fear of it overpower you. Overcome it. I know you can do it because with all your plans and dreams you don’t seem like someone who gives up easily. Hold on to these plans/dreams and take your life one step at a time. I wish you all the best! 🙂 Hope you get well soon 🙂

    bino32

    • I’m good at overthinking 🙂 I try to tell myself I’m just going to make myself worse by worrying but it doesn’t help – my brain just won’t listen atm 😦
      I’ve always been persistant and I am striving to continue my life as I did before, I’ll get there eventually. All these comments/messages of support are definitely helping (as is writing a blog). Thank you 😀

  4. You feel despair. I think it could be useful and interesting for you to dig down into your implicit memory, the emotional memories of your childhood, and get an overview of what has caused you to be the one you are today. If no roots for your problem shows, then I suspect it is in your subconciousness. I believe it helps identifying the despair, maybe even personalise it, to find out what it really is.

    “Am I selfish by completing my course even though I might not use it?”
    Knowledge is not an item you use, but information that can widen your perspective(s), develop an additional, and increase your intellect, awareness and understanding.
    I have a philosophy that goes: “You can however evil you want, as long as you don’t harm others.” Rationally you don’t harm others by taking courses, so I suspect your despair might arrive from you looking down on yourself? If so, I can empathise how you feel from personal experience. I think it’s caused by a ‘fake ego’, which is the image one’s logic has created of you, but naturally logic can’t grasp and contemplate emotion, so the image is cold, eerie and evil etc.

    If this is the case, I believe it’s the logic half of the brain’s attempt to reach the creative one. I believe this is schizophrenia. I’ve made a post on this, that in the case, could be informative to you.

    • You make a very interesting point.
      I certainly like your comment on knowledge – that it “is not an item you use, but information that can widen your perspective(s)…”
      I suppose I was thinking; am I taking someone else’s place? Although now if I did leave there wouldn’t be anyone to take up my place as it’s a bit late now. I’m going to leave – just picked up the keys to my new house today 😀
      I’ll check out your post though I think schizophrenia might be a bit extreme, I’m just feeling sorry for myself atm (although I’ll admit I know next to nothing about schizophrenia really).
      Thanks for commenting 🙂

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